Escaping Reality

there are certainly days when you wish you were someone else and living a different life. during these days, i consider myself on an ‘escapist mode’. although some people may think that i am thoughtless and irresponsible for being like this, i believe that it helps me cope with everyday stresses.

for me, i usually escape in five ways: watching a movie, reading a book, blogging, checking out gossip sites and of course, there is my ever dependable poetry writing. i actually have done this even when i was still in high school. there is no better way to feel more alive than imagining yourself anguished and tortured because of love.

and so, i offer to you some of my poems. Enjoy!

EACH DAY

i live each day as if in a dream

and in a moment, i will wake up

with you beside me.

i take each day as a step closer to you

and maybe in a blink of an eye, i will find myself

with you in front of me.

but

i also cry each day as i realize my foolishness

because in reality,

it will never be you and me.

———————————-

REALITY/FANTASY

Where does fantasy ends and reality starts?
Does reality ends when you are about to throw all caution to the wind and follow your heart?

And by doing this,
you find yourself entering a world of fantasy
where nothing will be gained except pain?

Does fantasy ends
when you finally face the fact that however right it feels,
it is not real?

Ultimately, you will decide which is the reality or the  fantasy -
and once you have done so,
deaden your senses to everything
and suffer in silence.

———————————————

SMILE

I went out last night
to celebrate a friend’s birthday.

Amidst laughter and friendly banter,
I found myself thinking of you.

Wondering what you were doing at that time
and hoping  you were enjoying the night as i was.

I can’t help but smile.

Love is such a powerful emotion
and I would not want to use it carelessly.

It is too real
and too pure
to be tossed around with such disregard.

But I think, I am.

In love, indeed.

And the smile is proof enough.

‘Me’ Day

after a really busy week, i decided to treat myself to a relaxing ‘me’ day last Saturday.

i call it a ‘me’ day because i do not have to think about anything but my needs.

i woke up at around 6 am and did a bit of stretching. afterwards, i enjoyed a leisurely breakfast consist of eggs, buttered toast, orange juice and coffee.

at 10 am, i went to the local mall and had a facial at Dermstrata ( ahhh ~ sugoi! ). grabbed some japanese food at Tokyo Tokyo (chicken teriyaki, miso soup) and then headed straight to a salon to have my mani and pedi.

as i was looking at the mirror, i noticed that the color of my hair was really messed up. since i had my hair colored about six months ago, you can just imagine what it looks like now. although i usually choose to lighten my hair, i only go for dark brown to medium brown color.

anyway, i decided to have my hair colored as well. it only took 30 minutes! i am really lucky to have a hair type which makes coloring easy. for some people, it will take several hours and not too mention a lot of hair dye to achieve the color that they like.

i also did a bit of window shopping and took note of some items that i would really like to buy (shoes, clothes). i went home at around 5pm. i feel really good! i promised myself that i should do the mani/pedi and facial thing at least every two weeks.

sigh! i miss being single. when everyday is a ‘me’ day.

*ja*

Does it exist?

When i was rummaging through my dvd collection, i discovered Moulin Rouge. so, i spent a couple of hours singing and crying.

anyway, i found myself wondering if i will ever experience a kind of love that will make me write beautiful songs, stories and poetry… that will make me feel that i am the luckiest girl in the world….

*sigh*

i guess for some people, that kind of love does exist. if not, then i will never get to sing and cry again at the same time.

*ja*

Finishing What I Started

has it been 9 years since I left college? it seems like it was just yesterday.

of course, i have to remember that my son is already turning six this year. ah! how time flies, ne?

for those of you who do not know, i dropped out of school with 18 units left because i got pissed with an instructor for giving me a failing grade despite passing the exams. the reason was due to excessive absences. what irritated me the most was that she did not consider giving me an INC or even a 4 to make up for the absences. and since i was working already, i did not see the need to go on.

but for the last couple of years, i have been spending approximately two weeks each year thinking about going back to school. last 2005, i went as far as going to UPLB (University of the Pilippines at Los Banos) to inquire. but during this time, it was really impossible for me. family, work, etc.

last month, i finally thought it was possible for me to go back to school. things have certainly fallen into place.

but again, i guess it was not yet the right time for i was late in processing my papers. i could have enrolled this semester but it took three weeks for my re-instatement papers to be reviewed. in the end, i was asked to go see the University Chancellor for an interview. i honestly wondered what more he could ask me that was not in my Letter of Appeal. a promise that i will be a good student ?

anyway, i finally decided to enroll next semester since classes have already started and i don’t want to miss the first week. i want to be completely prepared so i can concentrate on my subjects.

for the time being, i will concentrate on establishing a work routine that will allow me to accommodate my classes. of course, i should make sure that i will earn enough money to cover my school expenses.

ah ~ i was relly looking forward to going back to school this semester. i even bought notebooks and a pencil case. yes, i was excited. so, sue me.

i sincerely think that the reason for doing this does not only involve me having a degree but more of finishing what i started.

you see, i am the type of person that gets bored and distracted easily. i believe that if i finish my course, i will finally feel motivated and ‘driven’.

honestly — so many personal issues, so little time!

*mata ne*

Gomen!

i promised myself that i will be religious in writing on this blog.

sadly, two weeks went by and not a single post! ah! gomen! hontoni gomen nasai!

i have seven (7) blog drafts that i need to finish!

yosh! i will work hard to keep to my word. i am doing this to make sure that i can do something consistent for a change. even if it is just blogging.

as the saying goes — ‘one step at a time’. if i manage to write consistently in my blog, there is hope for me yet, ne?

ah! it is so hard to be a complicated person! or am is just irresponsible and thoughtless??

*ja ne*

duh? has it been six months?

as i was working this morning, i happened to glance at my calender and realized that its already June. that means half of the year is gone!

uh-oh! i can hear my heart racing as i think about:

a. things i need to do.

b. things i want to do.

c. things i have to do.

d. things i forgot to do.

e. things i might never get around to doing.

*sigh*

how come life is a series of “things”? and how do you know which is which? i almost always find myself bouncing to and from the “needs”, “wants” and “musts”. honestly, it gets so tiring.

i received an email today from my yahoo group. it made me think about these “things” …

THE HOT CHOCOLATE STORY

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an
assortment of cups-porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite — telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said:
‘Notice that all the nice looking; expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. The cup that you’re drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups… And then you began eyeing each others cups.

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate we have. The happiest people don’t have the best of everything.. They just make the best of everything that they have.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate!

——————————————————————————-

oh well! i guess this story says it all. there is simply no time to dwell on too many things. i guess i just need to focus on what is in front of me right mow and give my very best!

to end this entry, i decided that before the end of each post, i will leave a summary or stat of what i have done for the day. it goes a little something like this:

food: bread, hot chocolate, fish, rice, bananas, milk

work: 8 articles ( its only 7pm.. i might do a couple more)

paid: PhP900 for the cable (rip-off!!!!)

activities: cleaned, cooked lunch, took a 30-minute nap, looked up my name translated to kanji, went to aero class, watched HYD episodes 2 and 3 (tsk tsk),

sleep: slept last night at 10pm, woke up at 6 am…

so, that is it for today!

*Ja ne*

things to be thankful for…

first post for this blog.

i am excited and wary about certain things in my life right now. they say change is inevitable. and i guess i have been resisting these changes all these times. i do not know if it is from lack of courage or fear of the unknown that is making me falter.

but no one said that life is easy, even the most privileged of people experience difficulties and hardships.

it has been almost six months since i sort of “ran away” from who i was. until now, i have been unsteady on my feet.

i think that all my mistakes in the past is finally catching up with me. i have so many regrets that i could no longer recall the things that i have done right.

ah! but i know there is time. somehow it is comforting that i get to hide behind this blog. in some way, it will help me re-discover who i really am and also, find my way so that i can complete my life’s journey.

and so, i should probably begin with the things i should be thankful for.

1. Family – of course, i would not be here if it was not for my family. despite a relatively “abnormal” childhood, i am quite thankful especially since i have experienced much and learned much about life. my mom is someone i will always look up to. although, there are times that we do not see eye to eye over some things, i will always be grateful for her unselfish ways.

as for my husband, i can only say that i am very much blessed for having someone who truly loves me despite all my bad moods and crankiness. we have been married for almost six years now and have really grown to trust and love each other — not only as a married couple but also as friends.

of course, my source of strength is my son. he remains to be the most remarkable person i have ever met. i heard somewhere that in order to be successful in life, you must live for another person. and there is no one else in this world i want to live for except my beautiful boy.

2. Health – although i am a bit hypochondriac, i am glad to be in good health. i recently joined an aerobics class and already lost about 2.5 kilos — yey! I am down to 50k but i still want to lose 2 more kilos. still having issues with mys skin though. oh well, one at a time! LOL

3. Friends – ah! without my true friends i would not have survived for this long. they have seen me at my worst and have supported me at my weakest. i am not only talking about my college buddies but also my high school friends as well. even with the distance between us and busy schedules, we remain to be close and loyal to one another.

4. Work – as of today, i have not found my true calling. sure, i love to write but i can not imagine myself writing until i die. i have actually tried out different careers in the past ten years — indexer, life insurance agent, recruitment consultant and manager. i have even put up small businesses that involved selling bedsheets/comforter, home appliances and even writing services. to date, i am a freelance writer who is, sad to say, always behind on her deadlines. BUT starting tomorrow, i will work harder. i have to make sure that i have establish a new work schedule that will allow me to finish my studies (this is another post! ) anyway, i am thankful that i have found a source of income that allows me to stay at home.

5. Technology! – i live in a small community where everyone is busy and working during the day. because i work at home, i seldom see other people. this is actually still frustrating but thanks to unlimited internet service (SmartBro) for only PhP999 each month, i get to keep in touch and be updated with the rest of the world. well, it can be expected that my social skills are becoming rusty (laugh) but then again, i can not have everything (for now!)

okay. so these are the things/people i am thankful for. it has been a good exercise for my mind and heart but i have yet to face the things i regret.

i know, one should never dwell in the past. but without owning up to these mistakes, i could never change things!

see you tomorrow!

*sharonia*